Midnight Again
by reed4funxeb23
Summary: Edward's decision to leave Bella. How does he live without her? How does he suffer? He leaves his sun and it seems to be midnight once again. EPOV
1. Chapter 1

I walked out of my house. On my way out, I passed Jasper, Rosalie, Emmett, and Alice. Jasper's thoughts were indecipherable and scattered along with his snarls and snaps. Alice was upset and concerned for Jasper.

"Jazz! Calm down! Its Bella in there. Bella," she repeated more than once. I heard her thoughts toward me and sighed. _Edward, I'm so sorry. He…I…how's Bella? Please don't go thinking this is your fault._ Jasper's thoughts were full of snarls and growls. He was beginning to calm down and Emmett was loosening his grip on him. They all glanced at me apologetically, except for Rosalie, who held a smug smile on her face. I started to run. _Edward!_ Alice tried again. I leaped over the river and ran into the thick of the forest to think alone.

What had just happened?

Bella was inside the house sitting at the dining room table while Carlisle sewed her arm. It was a paper cut. A paper cut! Something as trivial as a paper cut shouldn't entitle the girl to a death sentence! Am I ruining her life? I've always known that this was wrong. I'd hoped and waited for an answer. The love of my life, of my existence, was constantly in danger and it was because of me!

I closed my eyes and imagined Bella's face. I loved her without any doubt in my mind. Her warm, deep, brown eyes were full of curiosity and awe. Her soft, mahogany hair brushed her face in the most flattering way. But most of all, she was smiling. She was happy and nowhere in this picture did I see me. I don't belong in her life. I am not human and I am not good enough for her. I have triggered enough near death experiences in her life already and I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I instigated any more. It would be wrong for me to stay here with this angel. The right thing to do was… was to… to leave. Pain rippled through my body in an instant and I knew right there that I was leaving. She wouldn't feel half of the pain I felt and would soon forget me. I would help that along as much as I could.

The only thing is that, for some unfathomable reason, Bella loved me. In her mind, _I_ was _her_ angel. How would I ever be able to let me leave? Of course I loved her. Of course she was constantly in my head. I guess that I'll have to lie. I could try to tell her that it was best for her. But I knew that she would never believe that and she would never want me to believe that either. I would tell her that I… I didn't love her anymore. Another wave of pain and nausea saturated my whole body. This would be difficult. This would be very, very difficult.

I had no idea where I was going to go or what I was going to do without my life, my love. She has been everything to me since our first moments in Biology. I have always loved her since that first day, even though I hadn't figured it out yet. I have to get back to her now. I have to detach myself from her before I changed my mind.

Of course I would have to tell my family tonight. Alice probably knew already. And she loved Bella too. I didn't want to cause Alice pain too. Or anyone else. My only hope is that Bella will be fine. I can distract myself. I will not cause destruction to Bella's life anymore. No more checking up on her. No more looking out for her with Alice's visions. No reminders. No more Forks. No more Bella. No more… love… life.


	2. Chapter 2

As I slowed my pace reaching the house, I saw Jasper and the rest of siblings. Jasper was totally in control of himself, but he was sobbing loudly and his thoughts were still indecipherable. He was extremely upset because of what he did. This wasn't his fault, though, it was mine. Alice was the first to see me and came up to me right away. Emmett, Rosalie, and Jasper stared after her, knowing what was coming. Emmett's face was sad.

I knew what I was in for with Alice. But I would take it. I would take any amount of anger, pain, or punishment for Bella. For the benefit of the rest of the family, Alice spoke out loud.

"Edward Anthony Mason Cullen!" she said loudly and looked back to the house. _Whoops. Sorry, too loud._ "Edward, what do you think you're doing? Or going to do? Are you kidding me? You can't do this to me! You can't do this to the rest of the family! More importantly, how can you do this to yourself or Bella?" She said this all in an intense whisper. As she said Bella's name, pain reverberated throughout my body. "She's my sister and my best friend! She's Esme's daughter! Do you have _any_ idea the pain that you're going to cause this family or yourself? Not to mention the pain that Bella will be in! I swear," I cut her off then.

"Alice, stop. I can't deal with this right now. I must take Bella home," I said looking down in shame. "Please. We'll talk about this later tonight."

"Whatever, Edward. But if you think that I'm letting you go through with this, you clearly aren't reading my mind. I will _not _lose my best friend and my sister." She turned back to Jasper, who was watching me with an apologetic expression and pleading eyes. _Edward, I am so sorry. You don't even know. I… I…" _His thoughts were then concentrating on his sobs, but I got the message.

I started my walk to the house again and noticed Emmett sitting on a boulder near the dirt path to the house with Rosalie standing behind him. _I'm going to miss her. Funny Bella… funny Bella. _He saw me in his line of sight and tried to change his thoughts to keep me out. _I wonder if Rose will be up for anything tonight. She'll probably be celebrating- I mean, uh, sorry Edward. I just can't think of anything else right now. Ignore me. _He was actually being sensitive for once. I rethought leaving, but blocked those thoughts out. I knew what I had to do.

As I walked into the house, I heard Carlisle talking to Bella about me. "I wasn't sorry, though. I've never been sorry that I saved Edward." _Where is he?_ I saw Bella through his mind and she smiled at him. Her right shoulder was pink with blood and her arm was sewn and bandaged. I regretted leaving. I felt so weak for leaving her when she needed help. "I suppose I should take you home now," Carlisle said as the conversation ended. No way was he taking her home. I had to detach myself as soon as possible. I prepared my expression and put on a façade.

"I'll do that." I walked slowly from the darkness of the dining room, hoping that there was nothing to read on my face. I was trying extremely hard to keep up the façade as I saw sadness spread across Bella's face. _Edward? How's Jasper? Are you okay? What's going on?_ I ignored his thoughts, knowing that emotion might break through my face talking about those topics.

"Carlisle can take me," she said. There was unease in her voice and I took advantage of the time it took for her to look down at her shirt. I grimaced but remembered my… mission.

"I'm fine." My voice was detached. "You'll need to change anyway. You'd give Charlie a heart attack the way you look," I suppressed a smile. "I'll have Alice get you something." I walked out of the kitchen door. I couldn't take this anymore. I walked toward Alice but listened to Bella and Carlisle.

"_He's very upset,"_ Bella said with an anxious look on her face.

"_Yes,"_ Carlisle agreed with a short nod. _"Tonight is exactly the kind of thing that he fears the most. You being put in danger, because of what we are." _He thought of the way I acted and weakly thought that we might be leaving. Weakly, because he didn't want to leave. I grimaced and sighed. What else does he expect us to do?

"It's not his fault," Bella said. I almost turned around and disagreed with her. How could she think that? Is she insane? I suddenly remembered another time when I thought she was crazy. Back when she told me that the fact that I wasn't human didn't matter to her. My heart felt as if it weren't just frozen, but as if a hammer slammed down on it and cracked it right down the center. I loved her so much and she loved me back. She loved me back. I was breaking her heart. She would forget, she would forget.

"_It's not yours, either,"_ Carlisle said back. Of course it wasn't her fault. She would think so. She always thought so. She was so selfless. And, right on time, Bella looked away from Carlisle. She disagreed with him. Of course she did! Sometimes her selflessness was so… ugh! She really can't think this was her fault! What goes through that guarded mind of hers? How I longed to know. But I know I never will; even if I stayed with her…

I hadn't noticed that I had stopped walking. I ran over to Alice and mumbled for her to find clothes for Bella. She tried to persuade me again. _Edward, please, please, please don't do this!_ I had a feeling that this would last for a very long time.

"Alice, enough. We will talk about this later," I snapped at her. We walked back toward the house. I heard Carlisle and Esme chuckling as I walked through the back door with Alice. I kept my expression indecipherable and hung back as Alice ran to Bella's side. Esme looked toward me. _Oh Edward! Jasper is so sorry! Don't leave!_ I ignored her thoughts and concentrated on keeping my expression from leaking emotion. I would talk to them later.

"C'mon. I'll get you something less macabre to wear," Alice said. I strode over to the front door to wait for them to come back down.

"Edward? What's going on?" Esme was beginning to sob. I looked over at Carlisle with bewildered eyes.

"We will talk about this later Esme. Right now, Bella needs to get home. And Edward, please think about what you're going to do. If we need to leave, we will. It has been done before. For other reasons, but we must do what's best for each other," Carlisle said.

I nodded at him. "Thank you, Carlisle. I will be back later tonight to speak about this," I said with gratitude. I heard Bella talking as she neared the stairwell.

"_It's not his fault. You'll tell him that I'm not mad at him, not at all, won't you?"_ She was talking about Jasper. Again, selfless.

"_Of course,"_ Alice said with the slightest of sadness leaking into her voice. She had obviously heard the conversation between Carlisle, Esme, and I.

They started down the stairs and I quickly put on my façade. Bella stared at me with worry in her eyes. I opened the door for her without a word. I didn't know if I was able to speak to her without my feelings leaking out.

"Take your things!" Alice called after her as Bella walked toward me. She grabbed the presents and placed them into Bella's good arm. "You can thank me later, when you've opened them." _If I ever see you again… _Alice added on just for me. Does she think that I haven't thought about that? About her and everyone else? How else am I supposed to keep her safe? I constantly save her. But I save her from what I have caused to happen in her life. If I leave, she can be happy. Maybe not at first, but she'll _get _happy. How many boys in school desperately and secretly coveted her again? Too many to count- even with the small population of students that existed. She'll be better off without me and with some other guy. Yet again, agony rippled throughout my entire body and wrecked my heart.

I hadn't even heard the goodbyes that were exchanged as we left the house and walked toward the car. I did, however, notice the glances that were aimed at me and also the glares from Rosalie by the side of the house. I walked next to Bella without looking at her or saying a word. We got to the car and I opened the passenger door for her. She slid in without complaint. As I ran to the other side of the car I saw her rip the red ribbon from her stereo and throw it to the floor. I sat down in the driver's seat and she kicked the ribbon beneath her seat.

I didn't look at her. I just looked straight ahead. I turned the key to start her ancient car and the engine roared loudly. It was pure silence as I drove down the dark lane toward the freeway, even with the engine as loud as it was. I didn't know what to say. What do I say to the love of my life who I would be leaving within the week? Again with the pain. It seemed to get worse every time it found me. I was staying detached. Detached, detached, detached.

"Say something," Bella begged just as I turned onto the freeway. That almost made me want to hug her and tell her everything would be okay. I almost changed my mind. I saw it for a second and I'm sure that Alice did too. I shouldn't get her hopes up. I crushed the thought and remained detached.

"What do you want me to say?" I said. I sounded so harsh. _Bella, I love you and I will always love you for my entire existence. I'm only leaving you so that you can be safe. _I almost said it out loud. No. I don't, I can't want her to know that when I was trying to leave her.

She cringed at my words. _I'm sorry Bella. I am so sorry._ She spoke again. "Tell me you forgive me." What?! I couldn't stay detached anymore at this moment. Anger was plastered on my face.

"Forgive _you_? For what?" I couldn't believe what she was saying to me. She is being absolutely ridiculous.

"If I'd been more careful, nothing would have happened." Is she kidding me?

I said the words that I had previous thought as I was in the words. "Bella, you gave yourself a paper cut- that hardly deserves the death penalty."

"It's still my fault," she stated as I began to fume.

"Your fault? If you'd cut yourself at Mike Newton's house, with Jessica there and Angela and your other normal friends, the worst that could have happened would be what? Maybe they couldn't find you a bandage? If you'd tripped and knocked over a pile of glass plates on your own- without someone throwing you into them- even then, what's the worst? You'd get blood on the seats when they drove you to the emergency room? Mike Newton could have held your hand while they stitched you up- and he wouldn't be fighting the urge to kill you the whole time he was there. Don't you take any of this on yourself, Bella. It will only make me more disgusted with myself." And I _was_ disgusted. I was so disgusted that I was leaving her. I was leaving my heaven, my angel.

"How the hell did Mike Newton end up in this conversation?" She demanded with her kitten fury. She said his name with disgust and that made me feel the slightest, smallest, most insignificant feeling of pleasure. I pushed it aside and kept up with the argument.

"Mike Newton ended up in this conversation because he would be a hell of a lot healthier for you to be with," I growled. I felt like crying right now. But I know I have to be detached. And this is all true, too.

I'd rather die than be with Mike Newton," she disagreed. "I'd rather die than be with anyone but you." My heart filled with happiness and I almost changed my mind. No. She's overreacting. She can live without me. She'll have to. And if she doesn't, then I won't either.

"Don't be melodramatic, please." I can't have her saying things like this or I'll never be able to leave.

"Well, then, don't be ridiculous," she shot back at me. How am I supposed to respond to that? To her, it was ridiculous to be with anyone but me. I felt the same way about her. Yet, I was leaving her. I was practically forcing her to be with someone other than me and she would have to deal with it.

It was quite the rest of the way and I was thinking of what I was supposed to say to her when I left her and how I would do it. Impossible. That was the only way to describe this… mission. And I was angry. Angry at myself for endangering her and angry at myself for having to leave her. Angry at the force in the world controls love. I was just downright angry.

We arrived at her house and I turned off the engine, but I kept my hands clenched on the steering wheel.

She spoke up. "Will you stay tonight?" Oh how much I wanted to stay. But I was detaching myself and my family was waiting for me.

"I should go home."

"For my birthday," she pressed.

"You can't have it both ways- either you want people to ignore your birthday or you don't. One or the other," I said hoping for her to leave me be. I was having a hard time keeping up my façade. Every harsh word I said felt like I slapped her in the face. That's why I lightened my voice the slightest bit when I spoke before.

She sighed and that sigh was full of relief. It shouldn't be. "Okay, I've decided that I don't want you to ignore my birthday. I'll see you upstairs," she said. She got out of the car and grabbed her presents. She doesn't want those. She shouldn't take them. I frowned.

"You don't have to take those," I said with the frown still on my face.

"I want them," she said immediately.

"No, you don't. Carlisle and Esme spent money on you."

"I'll live," she said as she tucked the presents under her good arm. She slammed the door and I kept pace with her right away.

"Let me carry them at least." I took the presents from her good arm. "I'll be in your room."

She smiled. "Thanks."

"Happy birthday," I sighed and leaned down to kiss her. As I pulled away, she stretched up onto her toes to make the kiss last longer. I smiled. I would miss that. Always trying to test my boundaries. I turned and walked toward the darkness and her bedroom window, leaving her behind. I would have to get used to that. Except right now I would be seeing her in a few short minutes. Tonight I would be leaving her as soon as she slept to speak with my family. But I wanted to hear her thoughts before her left. Her thoughts that were so frequently revealed to me as she talked in her sleep.

I scaled the wall beneath her window and sat in the center of her bed.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

EPOV

Bella's birthday presents were scattered around me as I sat on her bed. I took in my surroundings. I tried to memorize her room. I had spent countless nights with Bella in here. I listened to her before she slept. I listened to her _while_ she slept. I listened to her say my name _every_ night as she dreamed about me. I watched her toss and turn in her bed. I watched her soft mahogany hair twist around her face in knots. I kissed her good night every night and had lain so close to her… as close as I could without making her freeze. I had listened, watched, and touched her in this room. And it was also in this room that I first realized that I was in love with her.

So, how could I just leave her and this room without looking back? How could I leave her to sleep _alone_ in this room for the rest of her life? But how could I stay and risk that same life? How could I, the one who claims to_ love_ her, keep that life constantly on edge? Keep that life in danger? I have to leave. Telling myself that never failed to knock the wind out of me, so to speak. Just _thinking_ about… leaving her… made me want to scream out in pain. But I'd have to do it. She doesn't deserve me, she deserves to be… happy.

I grabbed Esme and Carlisle's gift to Bella and aimlessly toyed with it as I listened to Bella and Charlie speaking below me.

"Wow," Charlie said when he learned of Bella's new stereo. I was looking at Bella through his eyes.

"Yeah. Well, I'm calling it a night," Bella said, heading to the stairs quickly, obviously

"I'll see you in the morning."

"See ya," she said with a wave. I cringed when I realized that Charlie had seen her bandage.

"What happed to your arm?" he asked. _It's my fault. That is not a result of her clumsiness this time. It's my fault._ I wanted to go down there and tell him that. Maybe he'd take his gun and shoot me. I wished that that would somehow hurt me. I deserved it. I deserved the worst kind of pain anyone could give me. I wasn't listening to them as I focused on my wallowing. Bella was in the bathroom now, doing whatever it is she does to make her smell _so_ good.

I was still toying with the gift and thinking about how wrong this was, but how right it _felt_ when she came out of the bathroom.

"Hi," I said with a sad voice. I hadn't realized that my voice would be so sad, but I couldn't help it. How could I _not_ be sad when I knew that I was leaving her? I was anticipating what I would feel later, when I was gone from her. For the rest of my existence. Or, technically, for the rest of her life because there was no way that I'd be able to live in a world where she didn't exist. It would just be impossible and unbearable. I kept my expression sad and hid my cringe as I thought about leaving her.

She climbed into my lap and leaned her head on my chest after pushing the presents out of my hands. "Can I open my presents now?" she asked suddenly. That was odd. Since when does Bella want presents?

"Where did that enthusiasm come from?" I wondered aloud, almost excited that she actually wanted to open presents like a normal… human. The fact that she was a human always made me think about changing her. Actually, almost everything made me think about changing her.

The way that she constantly tested my boundaries made me think of it. The way I _wanted_ her to test my boundaries made me think of it. The way I wanted to disregard my maddening boundaries made me think of it. And just holding her hand everyday made me think of it.

The way… the way I _felt_ every day and every night when I could just _be with her_ made me think of changing her more than anything else did. My whole life revolved around her.

But I refused to ruin her life. And that was that.

"You made me curious," she said, pulling me out of my thoughts which came much faster than hers did. She picked up the plane tickets that Carlisle and Esme bought for her.

"Allow me," I suggested. There was no way that I was letting her get another paper cut with a vampire around. Even if the vampire was me. I quickly unwrapped her present and handed it back.

"Are you sure I can handle lifting the lid?" she muttered to herself. '_Actually, no. I'm not sure what you can do anymore,' _I thought instead of answering her sarcastic remark. There were so many possibilities that could harm her. Could I count the ways that she could get hurt with a small rectangular box? Probably more than any other human, considering her magnetism to danger.

"We're going to Jacksonville?" she asked in mock excitement. She didn't need to pretend to be excited to make me feel better. Then, she went on about how happy Renee would be. She was truly excited and it made me smile as she spoke.

"I think I can handle it," I said in response to her worry that I'd have to stay inside, away from the sun. Esme would be thrilled to see Bella's face right now. I wish she would've been able to see this. "If I'd had any idea that you'd respond to a gift this appropriately, I would have made you open it in front of Carlisle and Esme. I thought you'd complain."

Well, of course it's too much. But I get to take you with me!" she said with elation. I almost cringed at her words. She didn't know that I wouldn't be around long enough to go with her anywhere. So, instead of speaking negatively towards her, I chuckled and told her that I'd wished I had spent money on her present. Who knew she could actually be reasonable?

As soon as she reached for my present, I took it from her and unwrapped it lithely, just like the first.

"What is it?" she asked when I handed her the clear jeweled CD case. I didn't see the need to answer when I could show her. I brought the CD to her outdated CD player and set it up to play for her. When the music began, she didn't say anything. She didn't move and her expression looked scared. Her wide eyes made me anxious. Then she started to cry.

"Does your arm hurt?" I asked. I wished that I could make it better. I wished that I could make _everything _better. For the both of us.

"No, it's not my arm. It's beautiful, Edward. You couldn't have given me anything I would love more. I can't believe it," she answered. I almost sighed in relief that she wasn't in pain or didn't like my gift.

"I didn't think you would let me get a piano so I could play for you here," I explained. Of course she'd never let me such an extravagance.

"You're right," I smiled softly at her response. I loved that I could read her. I loved that I had gotten to know her so well, even though her mind was still a mystery to me.

"How does your arm feel?" I asked randomly. If she was hurting, I wanted to be able to fix it. I wanted to be able to make her feel better one of the last times that I could.

"Just fine," she replied, but then her beautiful brown eyes began to drift away from mine in thought and contemplation. She was considering the pain she was in.

"I'll get you some Tylenol," I said, ignoring her protests and getting out from under her.

"Charlie," she whispered in somewhat of a panic.

"He won't catch me," I reassured before running into her bathroom, finding the Tylenol, filling a glass of water, and catching the door before it could shut me out. She, of course, took the medicine without a struggle.

"It's late," I told her before picking her up and placing her underneath her bed covers. I settled myself next to her on top of her covers, so to not freeze her, and laid my arm over her. She leaned her head against my shoulder and sighed in contentment.

"Thanks again," she whispered. I smiled softly to myself.

"Your welcome," I answered before my thoughts drifted back to the subject that I dreaded the most: leaving.

There was a line between what is right in this world and what is wrong. But if that were true, why couldn't I distinguish between the two? Why could I feel so right when I'm with Bella, but feel so wrong at the same time? It was selfish to keep her to myself, and that was wrong. But it felt right to be with her, and she didn't seem to be able to tell the difference.

She was happy with me for some unfathomable reason. But I know that she could be happier. She _will_ be happier without me… eventually. I cannot possibly be her sun as she is mine. My feelings aren't just feelings, they're facts. They are strong and undeniable. Her feelings… her feelings could be set aside. She wasn't like me. She could forget. So even though everything about us screamed right to me, we were all wrong for her._ I_ was all wrong for her, contrary to what I think and what she believes.

"What are you thinking about?" my angel asked in a whisper. There was no point in lying to her. I could tell her what I was thinking about without telling her exactly was I was thinking about.

"I was thinking about right and wrong, actually." She shivered the slightest bit at my words. She couldn't know what I was thinking, could she?

"Remember how I decided that I wanted you _not_ to ignore my birthday?" she asked quicker than she usually would. This got me suspicious.

"Yes," I agreed warily.

"Well, I was thinking, since it's my birthday, that I'd like you to kiss me again," she wondered aloud. Of course _that's_ what would get her nervous to speak with me.

"You're greedy tonight," I observed. Except she was anything _but_ greedy. She was extremely selfless and… perfect.

"Yes, I am – but please, don't do anything you don't want to do," she added. I laughed at the irony. _Don't do anything you don't want to do._ In a few days, I'd be leaving her: the one thing in the world that I didn't want to do… _ever._ I sighed before answering her because I was getting extremely depressed from thinking about that.

"Heaven forbid that I should do anything I don't want to do," I said in a voice I didn't recognize. So, I kissed her. But in the midst of that kiss, I realized something. This would be one of our last. After tonight, I'd be trying to act _completely_ detached. I wouldn't be able to kiss her or come back to her room. So, I deepened our kiss. I deepened our kiss as much as I could before her scent almost drove me insane and I had to stop abruptly. I was out of breath from the measures I had taken and many boundaries that I had crossed from that one kiss.

"Sorry," I said, realizing that it took two to tango and she might have felt defiled. "That was out of line."

"_I_ don't mind," she said, still breathless. I frowned. Of course she wouldn't mind. She didn't understand the danger she was in every time we got close to each other.

"Try to sleep, Bella."

"No, I want you to kiss me again," she almost demanded.

"You're overestimating my self control," I countered, trying to remain undecipherable.

"Which is tempting you more, my blood or my body?" she mused. I grinned in spite of myself at her question. She_ would_ ask something like that.

"It's a tie," I said before putting my façade back on. "Now why don't you stop pushing your luck and go to sleep?" I asked, hoping that she'd finally give up. There was little that this girl could do to make me acquiesce to her every wish.

"Fine," she agreed, to my relief, as she nestled herself closer to me. I tried to enjoy this moment. This would be the last time I'd be able to be with her like this. There was no way that I'd be able to come back up here with her without changing my mind about leaving her. _Detached_. I repeated in my head over and over again.

My repetitive thoughts were interrupted by Bella. She had pressed her arm into my shoulder, trying to be discreet about it, I guess. I smiled at how much she thought I couldn't figure out. But my thoughts eventually made it back to being detached.

There was no use in denying my soon to be detachment from Bella. But tonight, I could bask in her presence. After all, it would be one of the last times that I could do that. My thoughts drifted to my memories with Bella for a while before I heard her voice pierce my thoughts and the silence of the room.

***A/N: I know it's been long. I have no excuse except that I've been busy and that writing this almost depresses me, lol. I like this chapter to an extent. I'm pretty sure that the next chapter is going to be my favorite so far, so be excited. :) And while you're waiting for the next chapter to be up, check out my other account erinjeni. I have to unfinished AH stories on that account (two of the reasons that it's been so long). Thank you guys for being patient. Just think of it this way: now that I've started again, it'll be hard for me to stop, haha. :) **

**Enjoy&Review,**

**-Erin**


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